Managed Friendship

Does the following sound like some churches you’ve known?
  
Mal Dow
 
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Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships! The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network, with important cost-saving features.

Q: How Does It Work?

A: Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

Q: What’s Wrong with my Current Friends?

A: If you’re like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.

Q: How Do I Know That the Plan’s Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can’t Make Friends on Their Own?

A: Many of today’s most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

Q: What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

A: Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Q. Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

A. You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

Q: What is a Friendship Emergency?

A: The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

Q: What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

A: Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:

  • Agreeing with you
  • Appearing sympathetic
  • Chewing the fat
  • Dropping by
  • Feeling your pain
  • Gossiping
  • Hanging out
  • Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
  • Joshing
  • Kidding around
  • Listening to you whine
  • Partying
  • Passing the time
  • Patting your back
  • Ribbing
  • Sharing a meal
  • Shooting the breeze
  • Slinging the bull
  • Teasing

*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

Q: What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

A: Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):

  • Bar hopping
  • Bending over backwards
  • Drinking to excess
  • Giving a hoot
  • Going the extra mile
  • Lending money
  • Real empathy
  • Sexual favors
  • Truly caring
  • Using illicit drugs

Q: How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A: A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

Q: Who Decides What’s Appropriate for Me?

A: We do. Isn’t that what friends are for?

Author Unknown

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